Voiced Thoughts

New Blog

2005-12-22T14:04:00.000Z

I've decided to do what Ormo has done and use Wordpress instead of Blogger.

My new blog is located at http://www.sbingram.f2s.com/wordpress/. Please update bookmarks, favourites and the press accordingly. :)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

2005-12-19T22:45:00.000Z

Today saw the first civil partnership ceremonies in the UK being conducted in Belfast [BBC]. Only an eegit wouldn't have foreseen that it would be a controversial affair. While the first couple (two women) were enjoying their hard-won civil partnership ceremony inside Belfast's City Hall, hardline conservative "Free" Presbyterians were chanting, shouting, hurling abuse and generally doing everything but show the Christian love that they tout so much. (This denomination is anything but free... but that discussion is for a different entry.)

"But, Mark, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong," they say. I agree. It's in black and white, and no one can argue. But it also says that we shouldn't judge (or something with that sentiment). Yes, we can rebuke those of our brothers and sisters who share the same faith and accept the same moral obligations we do, but God alone is judge.

Do I approve of homosexuality? No, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't love homosexuals. They are created in the "image of God", just as I am; they are flawed, just as I am. Do I approve of homosexual weddings? I don't believe the question is valid. A wedding is, by its proper definition, the union of one man to one woman under God that is consummated in the act of sexual intercourse when the two individuals become "one flesh". Paul calls this a "mystery". Homosexual couples can never have their union blessed by God, nor can they consummate anything because they cannot have sexual intercourse. Hence, the notion of a homosexual wedding is invalid.

Now then, what about a civil partnership? I see no problem with it (at the moment). It is simply a business contract between two consenting adults that is recognised by UK legislation. It is nothing more (and nothing less). The UK government has an obligation to, within reason, treat all UK citizens as equals. This helps them achieve that.

When talking with a couple of people about this issue they have said that we live in a Christian country and people should respect that it is Wrong (in a moral sense). Well, let's say I went to holiday in Qatar or Iran (both Moslem countries). Should I face Mecca daily and pray to Allah? No. I believe it is unethical and, yes, unchristian (if that's a word) to force someone to adhere to someone else's set of beliefs. This is what the hardline, conservative "Free" Presbyterians miss...

Thank God that the mainstream Presbyterian Church in Ireland are taking the ethical route. Provided that the civil partnerships are simply business contracts under UK law, I have no problem. Although I do believe that they should not be permitted to occur inside sacred buildings (i.e. church buildings, mosques, synagogues, etc.). The government would be dangerously overstepping an invisible line if that were to occur. It would get even more dangerous for the government if they should threaten men and women with prison should they refuse to conduct such a civil partnership.

Yes, we are in desperate times and it seems that the world is getting darker by the day. But I have faith that God is in control; that He is just; and that He will protect His flock.

The Tempters Are In Trouble!

2005-12-16T14:01:00.000Z

One day Jesus said to his disciples, "There will always be temptations to sin, but how terrible it will be for the person who does the tempting. It would be better to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around the neck than to face the punishment in store for harming one of these little ones. I am warning you!"

Luke 17:1-3a (NLT)

That is a sobering and stark warning to all of us who bare Christ's name. Although the Greek in this passage implies that the sin (skandalon) is such that it invokes apostasy on the part of the tempted, still... it makes you think. Little things that we don't challenge in our everyday life... if people (especially young people) aren't challenged, they will be tempted to repeat the sin again and again. Does that make us a tempter?

I'm going to prepare more thoroughly for Sunday night's cell group...

Colossians 1:27

2005-12-15T16:43:00.000Z

I am sitting in my living room with the TV on and switched onto a show that is basically a live feed from some church in England. The church service, if that is what it is, is something I'd really enjoy. The music is modern, the average age of those attending wouldn't be that far above my own age, the musicians and singers are very talented. It has reminded me about something that Alastair (the student preacher at my church) had said and that I had set to the side of my mind to come back to later.

This sort of service is very much about the experience of the moment. Now, I know for a fact that the church I am watching hears a Gospel message from a very blessed preacher because I have listened to him. But the praise time is very much grounded in experience and dependent upon music to subtly touch people.

Don't get me wrong: experiential (and experimental) worship is good... more power to it! But whenever we treat this sort of worship as the worship - whenever we begin that sort of time of praise with the words "let's worship" - then we stand on very unsafe ground. It communicates the dangerous fallacy that worship is singing and, even worse, worship is singing that one enjoys. Songs like To Be In Your Presence, while having a good sentiment, implicitly communicate that God's presence isn't always with us and that we have to work (sing loudly and/or lift our hands high) in order to be found worthy enough to have His presence manifest itself within us. This is not true: God is always with us. Further, God is within us.

I love singing modern songs. I love playing sax in bands that play modern praise songs. I love church services that are experiential and experiment with things (under the guidance of the Holy Spirit). But we must always be aware that worship should be 24/7, worship is a lifestyle, love is a lifestyle, God is always with us (and in us) and that God is much more interested in the attitude of our hearts rather than in the altitude of our hands.

Colossians 1:27 NIV: To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

Powerfully Backward

2005-12-13T19:03:00.000Z

Today Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed by lethal injection at a San Francisan jail (read the story here) and the US is again in the spotlight over its use of the death penalty. And rightly so...

It scares me to know that the country that most consider to be the most powerful in the world still condones such a backward, parochial, narrow-minded and irreversible practice. (Can you tell what side of the debate I stand on?) I don't give a rat's ass what he did - the big lad could have been a modern day Hitler - but in no way is the US justified in executing him... or anyone for that matter.

Justice means fairness for all citizens. Tell me how executing someone is fair?! Have not the US, in fact, denied Tookie justice today by executing him? Have not the US thumbed their nose at justice? Yes, victims and their families have rights, but so does the perpetrator. Both victim and perpetrator are human beings. "'Vengence is mine,' says the Lord." No one elses!

It really does astound me that the US is, apparently, so powerful. Given that it sees nothing wrong with execution, it is one of the world's biggest polluters, and it is able to invade and capture countries (breaking international law) for the sake of its own national security, it seems to me that something is amiss. It makes me so angry that this country plays such a big role in the running of the world.

If the rest of the world doesn't wise up and hold the US to account... God help us all.

Obviously, when I say "US" I am being very general. I know there are those citizens in the US who campaign to abolish the death penalty, who campaign for the environment and who were opposed to the unlawful invasion of Iraq. I support those citizens in their efforts and pray that God, if it is His will, would bless those groups with success. My comments are directed to all others. (Isn't it sad that I am writing a disclaimer?)

Joyful Logic

2005-12-12T18:53:00.000Z

What good am I? What good do I do here on earth? Why is it so easy for me to do what I don't want to do but so hard for me to do what I do want to do? Why do my emotions swing from really happy to totally despondent? Why do things seem to "go my way" one day and "go against me" the next? Ying and yang; hot and cold; good and bad. That is what the world is like for me right now, and I am the weight on the end of the pendulum being swung back and forth from one extreme to the other, perpetually.

The reason I am thinking like this seems to be obvious to me as I sit here and piously examine my life in recent days: I am not looking after my spiritual side. I know God is not only with me but also in me, but I don't live like it. I pay no heed to Him. Sometimes I even avoid going near His "domain" because I know what will happen when I do. I have become rebellious, distrustful, hateful, despondent, weary, restless, distracted and bleak. In fact, I can be concise and summarise everything I am feeling in four small words: I have lost joy.

I am a man of routine. For some, routine is boring and a cause of unhappiness. For me, however, routine is pseudo-perfection, from the perspective of my schedule. (Have you ever read any of Tom Clancy's novels? I feel the same about routine as Jack Ryan's wife as described in Patriot Games.) Whenever I establish a routine I know that everything has been sorted out: I know what I have done, what I am doing and what I have left to do. Without routine, chaos reigns and I am lost. I lose track of things and can get run down very quickly. As a result my health gets worse.

The reason I have lost joy is that I have lost my routine.

It sounds almost paradoxical but I find space in my routine. This space becomes part of my routine and it is in this very space where I replenish my joy. It is in this space where I can seek God without wondering about the rest of my schedule. To some this may read as though I merely fit God into my life rather than make my life fit round God, but I assure you that this works for me. (It misses the point anyway.)

If I restore my routine, it follows that I will restore my joy.

"Heresy," say some. "Joy comes from God alone." I agree. But if I restore my routine, I will find space. If I find space, I can seek God. If I seek God, I believe He will restore joy in my life.

I've looked at this logically but are these sorts of things are never logical. Pants.

A Kurios Revelation

2005-11-27T21:01:00.000Z

I didn't go to church tonight as I have been feeling pretty dizzy all day. I don't think blowing through a sax would have helped me in any way feel better. (I could have gone and not played but I would have felt bad.) What made it worse was that I was meant to be leading Elevation (our church youth group). Fortunately, Natz was able to take the reigns from me and I'm sure has done a first class job.

So, I basically spent the evening in front of the TV. That is fairly strange for me because what's on TV these days rarely holds my attention. (I sound like I'm 70!) I was watching a preacher, Dr Myles Monroe, speak on the Inspiration Channel on Sky. He was preaching about Kingdom principles and what precisely it means to be a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven and to be favoured by the King. God was speaking through this man to me because the message blew me away! I'd never thought about what it meant to be a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven before. I didn't know that the King had chosen to make me a citizen and that He is responsible for my well-being. So much more of the Bible made sense now; it was all so easy!

Most of the later part of the message relied on the Greek word that is translated to "lord" in English texts: the transliteration is "kurios". The meaning is much richer than a simple term of respect (e.g. "sir") or even an acknowledgment of control (e.g. "master"); it implies complete ownership.

[H]e to whom a person or thing belongs, about which he has power of deciding.

The New Testament Greek Lexicon

Why is God the owner? Because He made it.

1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live init; 2 for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Psalm 24:1-2, NIV

God owns everything because He made it all; no one has any right to come along and take it away from Him. Everything I have is His; I am but a steward and He may ask me to divert His stuff elsewhere at any time. It is His.

And if I claim to be saved, He owns me, too!

9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Romans 10:9, NIV

When I call Jesus my lord I am calling Him my owner; He has complete ownership of me. He can tell me what to do and what not to do. He decides what happens to me. He owns me! He owns my body, my intellect, my soul, my problems, my computer, my books, the air I breathe, the talents I have... everything is His to do with as He chooses.

While that in itself might be cause for concern, it isn't... because I am a Kingdom citizen. The King looks after his citizens. The King provides for his citizens. The King helps his citizens with their problems. There is nothing to worry about and the King has told us to quit worrying [Matthew 6:25-34].

Like a Father, God loves us, cares for us, teaches us and is patient with us. Like a King, God provides for us, protects us, bestows blessings on us and works things under His control for our favour.

Thank you, God!

Let Me Entertain You? Get Real!

2005-11-26T13:45:00.000Z

For some time (obviously with the exception of my recent secondment to stress) I have been thinking about how the majority of Western Christendom tackles evangelism, in particular I have focused my thinking on how the Western church evangelises young people - when I say young people, I mean teenagers and twenty-somethings. It goes without saying that I am not against the evangelising of people; some of Jesus' last words on earth were a command to "go and make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 28:19, NIV). My issue lies in how we're doing it.

On a website that I frequent to read about upcoming events in Northern Ireland aimed at Christians, I read the following description of one such event:

youth outreach event surprising young people with the message of Jesus in a multi-media environment. From two stages, big screens, live cameras and lights, expect dance, physical theatre and worship from Bluetree, the challenge of the cross and celebrate with tunes from our resident DJ's...

(The poor grammar and lack of appropriate capitalisation have been left as the submitter entered them.) Is it just me or are the event's priorities messed up? If this description of the event is anything to go by, it is forgivable to conclude that the organisers are more interesed in the atmosphere in which the "message of Jesus" is voiced than in the message itself. (Note the passing reference to "the challenge of the cross".)

Now, I accept that using this as an example is unfair of me and adds undue weight to my argument because the text that I have quoted is, in fact, an advertisement for the event. Advertisements by their nature are meant to emphasise those aspects of that which is being advertised that will appeal without fail to the target audience. (In truth, putting Jesus' name in an advertisement for an outreach event perhaps goes against the nature of what an advertisement should be... but that's a fruitless discussion.) But it highlights what I have been thinking about quite well...

In our efforts to evangelise and implement Jesus' Great Commission, are we doing it all wrong? Are we trying too hard to entertain non-believers into a euphoria of excitment so that their inhibitions disappear and their guard is let down, allowing us to move in for the capture? All too often so-called outreach events that I've been to put on great shows and make people laugh and smile and dance, and then at the climax of the evening employ underhanded means to try to force a commitment from people so that the organisers can claim the event a success. The "underhanded means" are usually of the form of emotional blackmail; that is, when people are in the middle of having fun and enjoying themselves, someone will take the stage to communicate the story of the Cross and, without fail, use language that attempts to coerce people into feeling that it was all their fault and that the only way to make it all better is to commit to Christ then and there.

I believe that is wrong.
I believe that the tactics are underhanded.
And, I do not believe that that is the way Jesus wanted us to evangelise.

Did Jesus ever throw a mad party with lots of spectacle and then make people feel bad about why He was there in the first place? The answer is obviously no.

Non-believers are not looking to be entertained by the church, and the church should not seek to evangelise by entertaining. (Note: I don't say the church shouldn't entertain.) In Northern Ireland, at least, the church will almost always fall short of a secular event... in terms of budget, acts, equipment, levels of excitment, etc. The church doesn't exist to make people happy. The church doesn't exist to give people a temporary high.

The church is meant to be Jesus' body on earth, so to speak. The church should be concerned with always seeking to act as Jesus would act and do as Jesus would do. I believe one word sums up how Jesus lived His life and how I think the church should "live" until Jesus comes again - that word is love.

Not the half-hearted "love because I have to".
Not the temporary, confused and consumerist love that is sung about in pop songs.
Not even the incomplete and always tainted love of one human to another.

But agape - love as described by the Holy Spirit through Paul.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, NIV

Love, this type of love, speaks on a deeper and more profound level than music (no matter how loud) and excites in ways that fancy lighting cannot even hope to achieve. The early Christians knew how evangelism should be implemented: not by throwing wild orgies and drunken parties like the pagans around them, but instead by showing love to all people and in all circumstances.

This is how I believe the modern day church should continue to implement evangelism: by showing love to all people and in all circumstances. Using this eternal language will leave a lasting impact on each and every soul, and the effects won't stop when the music does.

No Time for Time

2005-11-26T11:42:00.000Z

This morning in bed I realised that I have been an edgit these passed few weeks. I have been letting a lot of things take up my time, some of which were certainly worthwhile. But the point is I've run out of time for myself. Everyone and everything I have come into contact with recently has asked for something more than a simple hello; a demand for my time has been placed. My problem is that I find it difficult to say no when someone is looking me in the eye. Is it because I have a selfless desire to please everyone or is it that I have selfish desire for everyone to be pleased with me?

If I'm honest, I think my answer should lean towards the latter. I like it when people think good things of me and say good things about me - who doesn't?! When I do things, I usually do my best at them and I know people see that, and I know that people will praise me because of that.

Two things...

Firstly, I should not be seeking praise for myself. Instead, in everything I do I should seek to point to God who gives me the strength, ability and opportunity to do all these different things. My attitude should be precisely the same as that of Christ Jesus':

6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:6-8, NIV

Secondly, I should be more selfish with my time. (I couldn't think of a better word than selfish, even though it brings a negative sense to the sentiment.) I mean, I shouldn't allow people and things to take so much of my time that I have none left for myself. For example, look at the present state of my schedule: I have had no time to myself recently because I have been letting sax gigs, surfing the Net and (in particular) work have priority. This has not only left me frustrated that I have no time to relax but it has also had a negative impact on my health, which I won't go into, and distanced me from friends who I should hold closer than I currently do. (I hope they can forgive me for my bad attitude.)

When reading Maggi Dawn's blog just this morning, I was pointed to a rather cool website where I was able to quietly make a personal recommitment to Christ, His message and His way. Pray for me: that I will knuckle down and live as I was created to, that I will be more judicious (now that's a good word!) with my time and that God will have mercy on me so that my health will improve.

Stained Glass Masquerade

2005-10-01T14:11:00.000+01:00

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Stained Glass Masquerade, Track 4 on Lifesong by Casting Crowns.
Words and music by Mark Hall and Nicole Nordeman.

To respond; not just to know

2005-09-17T13:22:00.000+01:00

Oh, my goodness, gracious me! It has been way too long since I last wrote on here. I have, however, been persevering with my journalling (I know that's not a word), which is a feat in itself. The amazing thing is that I haven't filled my journal with hyperbole - I haven't been unnecessarily hard on myself. Instead, I have been brutally honest. The pages are for my eyes only, so I'm not writing to impress, criticise or seek approval; I'm just writing.

God has spoken to be through my writings. He has rebuked me, encouraged me but, best of all, shown that he loves me. Love - that is, agape - has been a frequent topic that I've explored in my writing. It's scary to see how little I show that form of true selfless love in my everyday life. I'm too selfish, too arrogant, too prideful, always rushing. God help me.

This past week I have been reflecting on the calling of Jesus' Disciples, in particular on the calling of Andrew. Mark 1:16-18 in the NIV says:

As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.

This occurred after the baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist. Now check out John 1:35-42a:

The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"

When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?"

They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"

"Come," he replied, "and you will see."
So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus. The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, "We have found the Messiah" (that is, the Christ). And he brought him to Jesus.

Re-read the passages and focus on Andrew.

When Jesus said to Andrew to come and follow him, Andrew didn't get up and start following a man he'd never heard of before. Andrew was a disciple of John the Baptist and was standing beside John when John said "look, the Lamb of God!" If you take a look at Luke 4 you will read that Jesus had already been active in the surrounding area, healing and exorcising evil spirits. I contend that Jesus' would have been heard of by many. Gossips are alive in every generation and word of Jesus' activities would have spread quickly. Then, from Andrew's point of view, whenever his master (John the Baptist) proclaimed that Jesus was the one Israel had been waiting for, Andrew knew precisely what that meant. It wasn't a decision to blindly follow some random bloke; it was a deliberate decision to follow the Chosen One, the Christ, Israel's Messiah!

Why did I write all that? Well, notice the change in Andrew's behaviour before and after Christ's call to him. Beforehand, he was happily following his own master. Yes, he knew about Jesus and had heard of his power but he'd never met Jesus. Then, something happened: Jesus called out to Andrew and asked him to commit his life to him; asked him to let his feet be covered by Jesus' dust (as early Jewish literature describes the role of the disciple). Andrew responded immediately, but not impulsively, because he knew who Jesus was.

It is one thing to know about Jesus; it a totally different thing to respond and commit one's life to him.

Friends

2005-07-30T14:06:00.000+01:00

Community. The need to belong. Fellowship and friendship and accountability and a listening ear. Is that not what every person craves? Well, if not every person, I certainly crave it.

When I was younger, I used to hear people say that my school days would be the best time of my life and that I should cherish them and not take them for granted. Flip me, I thought, are you serious?! How am I to cherish the fact that I have a mountain of coursework, homework, reading and boring classes? In my parochial nature, I didn't see what they were on about.

Now I'm all grown up. I've finished Grammar school and my sentence at university. I am now in the world. Working. And, whilst I always thought that this would be the best time in my life, I do kinda miss the good ole days running around the playground with my mates. Rather than thinking about the development plan for quarter 1 of 2007, I was thinking about getting my homework done to get outside and just kick a football until hours after the sun went down. Then head indoors for a movie that we looked up to from our cross-legged position on the floor rather than down upon from our respective pious and intellectual pedestals.

How I miss those days.

That's the problem with working, it eats up at least eight hours of your day - more like ten for me. Yes, I make friends in work and we get on... but it's not the same as the friends with whom I can kick a football, throw a rugby ball, watch a DVD, have a BBQ with. With those friends we can escape into whatever we're doing and not focus on trying to think of something funny or smart to say. With those friends there is no pretense, no hidden me. With those friends I am myself. With those friends I am.

How I miss spending time with them.

From Silence I Speak

2005-07-23T17:28:00.000+01:00

I have taken the unprecedented step of starting my own spiritual journal. I am surprise at how well it has been going... in fact, I am surprised that it is actually still going. Many people have told me, through spoken or written words, that a spiritual journal is a tremendous help. I never believed them. I am a cynic by nature, and cynics tend not to believe things. Cynics need to test, prove and verify and even then they may not be convinced. I am currently testing this idea of a spiritual journal and so far I am pleasantly surprised but, true to nature, I am still not convinced. I will persevere with it, though. Despite being a cynic, I still know good and wise counsel when I hear it.

Why not just document my spiritual musings, thoughts and struggles here? Well, because you can read them. More than that, I know you can read them, which makes me more cagey than I ought if I want to reap the benefits of a spiritual journal. So, while I will continue to write here and inaudibly voice my indignant and hostile opinions, I will quietly document my spiritual battles in a secret place that is between me and my God.

In a different thread of thought...

For those of you that read, I recommend Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I haven't finished it yet but it is a very thought-provoking and poignant book.

The London Bomb Blasts - My Reaction

2005-07-07T19:04:00.000+01:00

It happened while I was in work. Darren, who sits behind me, said: "Have you seen the news about London?" Immediately we all fired up a new instance of Internet Explorer and navigated to our favourite news reporting website. I couldn't believe what I was reading: six explosions had occurred in London, on the Underground and on two double decker buses.

That was ten hours ago as of writing and the news is now saying that there are more than thirty people dead and that Moslem fundamentalists are claiming responsibility.

I am ashamed to say that my first thought was one of retaliation. "Kill all the flipping Moslems." Although, I would probably have exchanged one of the words in that sentence.

I can't believe that my first reaction was so far removed - in fact, the antithesis, the polar opposite - of what it should have been. Furthermore, it goes against a principle that I am asking a non-Christian to adhere to in a quite separate debate I'm having. I'm a hypocrite!

Let me make it plain that I do not think any Moslems should be killed in retaliation for this terrible attack. I believe life is given by God and life is taken away by God; I, nor any other human, has the right to remove life. Let me also make it plain that I know that not every Moslem is to blame and that these acts of terrorism have shocked many Moslems. I know that it is fundamentalists and radicals, and not the majority, who are to blame.

I have been a Christian now for a few years. I have read the Bible, prayed, worshiped God, read many books. I believe that I have matured over that time...

... but am I deluding myself?

I mean, all that study, prayer, worship, etc. doesn't seem to have really affected me. Yes, I try to obey the commandments in the Bible but anyone can do that and still not be saved. If I have Christ, I should also have the Holy Spirit dwelling within me [Ephesians 1:13-14]. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, surely I should be showing some changes - i.e. the fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [Galations 5:22-23]. But the reaction I had [see above] would not fall in to any of those categories.

Argh, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. None of us are yet perfect; we are striving for perfection. It won't be until I am in the presence of God when I shall be rid of my sinful nature (my "old self") fully.

I think I need to pray. I know I need to pray. I'm going to go now and pray.

New Life

2005-07-06T07:24:00.000+01:00

Psalm 32
Of David. A Maskil
Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

This was what I was reading this morning after I got ready for work but before I left for work. What an insightful passage, especially verse three. Have you ever felt drained or dry, exhausted for no reason, tired without excuse? Could be that there is unconfessed sin or a bad habit that requires your repentance.

I have been there before. I have felt God's hand heavy upon me. I have been tired, irritable, unable to think straight but all without any obvious reason. Then I realised the root of the problem and resolved to pull it out of the soil of my heart. I resolved to confess my sins to God. Even though I know that He knows all (His omniscience), He still desires that I come humbly before Him and tell Him. I am to be the man and face the consequences of my own actions, so to speak.

And do you know what happened? God forgave me. He lifted His heavy hand from my back and I could stand tall once again.

Something interesting here is that in verse five David wrote that God forgave the "guilt" of his sin. Now, I'm no theologian or Hebrew scholar but I think David meant that God lifted the guilt of David's sin - that is, God removed His heavy hand from upon David's back.

If you're a Christian and you have experienced the same thing, is that not proof enough of God? Furthermore, is that not proof enough of a faithful, loving and forgiving God?!

Some of you may know that I struggle with prayer; it's always been a difficult discipline for me to adhere to. One point of difficulty comes because we, as Christians, are told to pray with thanksgiving. I find that hard because everytime I draw close to God I feel like Isaiah in the temple... I focus in closely and exaggerate the sin in my life. I don't pray with thanksgiving because I'm stuck in confession mode.

Psalm 32 shows that I have no reason to be. I have tested this Psalm and in my experience I have proved it to myself. Confessed sin does indeed lead to lifted guilt.

How could I be so blind: is that not a source of thanksgiving?

The Orange Institution's Hypocrisy

2005-06-25T16:11:00.000+01:00

The Orange Institution is a Christian organisation.
As Orangemen our trust is in God and our faith and dependence is in Jesus Christ, the Saviour and Lord of mankind. Our purpose is to maintain the Christian faith by word and deed; to propagate and defend that faith which we have received from the Church of the New Testament through the faithfulness of the Protestant Reformers. It is Christ-centred, Bible-based, Church-grounded. By it we are moulded in character and conduct.
The Orange Institution is set for the defence of Protestantism. This is true to the intention of Orangemen who are committed to the Christian faith with its Reformation emphasis on a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as the Lord and Saviour of mankind. There are also the Protestant beliefs in freedom of conscience; the priesthood of all believers and the primary place and purpose of the Holy Bible in Christian faith and conduct.
We proclaim "Civil and religious liberty for all : special privileges for none". We do not deny to others their civil and religious liberties; we expect the same tolerance from them. We shall be strong for truth, for peace, for the making of a good, fair and just society to which we shall contribute liberally as good citizens.
REV. CANON DR. S.E. LONG, M.TH., J.P.

That quote was taken from the official website of the Grand Orange Lodge of Ireland.

The protest parade today is only the start and we would encourage people to support that protest parade. Then, over the coming weeks and months, that campaign strategy will unfold.
It undoubtedly will include such things as an exploration of a legal challenge to what the parade's commission has done.
But, in the end, we are determined to secure our basic right to parade there to the Whiterock hall as brethern have done for the past 48 years.

This quote is of DUP councillor Nelson McCausland and was published in a BBC news article.

The so-called Marching Season in Northern Ireland is a time of the year during which various branches of the Grand Lodge march up and down streets and roads in the province, playing music and flying flags. It is a time during which violence escalates, tempers flare and harsh words are spoken. It is a time of year that I truly despise.

But what really gets under my skin is that the Order claims to be founded on Christian principles. From the first quote: "[The Order] is Christ-centred, Bible-based, Church-grounded. By it we are moulded in character and conduct."

Pray tell, how can one who is "moulded in character and conduct" by the Bible, whose "purpose is to maintain the Christian faith by word and deed" behave in such a way as the Order's members (in general, there are exceptions)?

The very same Bible that the Order's principles are allegedly based upon says: "[T]he wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere" James 3:17b, New Living Translation, emphasis mine.

Willing to yield to others... that is not something that I would personally attribute to the institution that is the Order. Annually they fight and bicker about which roads they want to march down, and annually they refuse to yield to those who live along the roads they want to march down.

They celebrate William of Orange overthrowning a despot; but they themselves are not happy unless they get their own way.

I wish they would just stop. Stop fighting. Stop aggravating. Stop saying harsh words. Stop proclaiming Orangism above the Bible and then deny that they do.

Postscript

It has been brought to my attention that my views were very general in this entry. Let me clarify that it is only those who are dogmatic about their marching whom I believe are acting hypocritically and who are spitting on the ideal that Rev. Canon Dr. S.E. Long, M.Th., J.P. wrote about.

Apologies to any I have offended.

I love Paris in the springtime...

2005-06-12T10:40:00.000+01:00

Woohoo! Paris today! Jenna is collecting me in less that two hours but I cannot wait that long. God-willing, by 7pm (BST) this evening we will be dumping our bags in our hotel and making our way to the picturesque district of Montmartre for dinner at sunset. (I wonder what the French is for "picturesque?") The weather is meant to be warm and sunny. It will be the first time either of us will have been in Paris and I'm really looking forward to seeing it all. In particular, I want to go up the Eiffel Tower, visit Le Louvre, Notre Dame, the old town, and just experience a taste of life as a Parisienne.

I wonder if I'll see the Pink Panther? :-)

Wake Up

2005-06-11T18:25:00.000+01:00

Preface

Let me preface this short essay by saying that I believe Paul's words [1]: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." Salvation is a gift from God, given to us through God's grace and made possible by the Son of God's supreme sacrifice. There is nothing we can do to earn our salvation; it is ours if we would but ask. Any belief that departs from salvation through grace alone is heresy. Indeed, any believer who does not accept Paul's words in Ephesians 2:8-9 is a heretic.

The "Christian" Title

The life of the young Northern Irish Christian in the 21st Century is a strange thing. Desperately trying to rid our language of sectarian slurs and minds of brutal memories, which are a result of recent history, we no longer identify ourselves as Protestant or (Roman) Catholic and instead adopt the catholic - that is, the universal - title of Christian. To call ourselves Christian is not a terribly difficult task in 21st Century Northern Ireland. (In schools for a short while it was verging on popular to be called a Christian!) There is currently no persecution in our country, thank God. There is currently no prohibition of the gospel in our country, thank God. In west- and mid-Ulster, most young Christians attend their local church with parents. In the east of the province most young Christians either attend church with their parents or attend a church where they like the music or, for students, where the majority of their university's C.U. attends.

And that's about it: church every Sunday morning and, if we're a "strong Christian," Sunday evening. If we attend university, we might choose to attend the university's C.U.

The Church at Sardis

I once heard Jim Graham preach on Revelation 3:1-6, the letter to the church at Sardis. The church at Sardis had a big reputation but absolutely no reality. That is, Jesus, who gave John the words to write to Sardis, knew well of the church's work in their community but He found great fault in that work. The church's deeds didn't agree with their spiritual state. In my own words, the church was working hard at doing what was right but the work was in vain, hollow and, perhaps, meaningless. The church was physically alive but almost completely spiritually dead.

The city of Sardis was on a cliff face about 1,500 feet above sea level and could only be approached from the east. For a long time it believed itself impregnable. It had a lot of natural resources in the immediate vicinity and the river that ran around the cliff face was thought to have gold dust in it. Possibly as a result of this, Sardis was the first to mint money for itself. Sardis was very self-confident and very self-indulgent. The church in Sardis did little to stop this indulgent course and, in time, it too followed the crowd.

The Church in Northern Ireland

Now, consider our position here in Northern Ireland. Our country is part of an island on the western edge of Europe. We have tremendous natural resources and we have readily available imported goods to meet our every need and our every whim. Without wanting to incite a sectarian response, I want to point out that we are a member state of the United Kingdom - one of the richest countries in the world. We have a very strong economy and our own currency, unlike the rest of Europe.

It is my belief that the citizens of Northern Ireland, due to our aforementioned situation, are quietly confident of our position in the world. We watch wars and tsunamis on television but are silently certain that they will not affect us. After all, we can simply switch channels and forget all about that which we don't want to remember.

We are an indulgent culture, too. We catch on and follow the latest fads and culture. We can indulge almost any desire we might have, within the law. We have television and films to feed our fantasies; restaurants and takeaways to feed our bellies; newspapers, magazines and the Internet to feed our lust; mobile phones, email and instant messaging to help us gossip; we have games consoles, leather chairs and cheap travel costs to help us avoid work; we have catalogues and sleazy advertisements telling us what we need to buy; we have aggressive sports, violent films and dissident websites to feed our anger.

(I don't want to be misunderstood: I am not saying that everything in the above list is wrong and should be avoided, nor do I want to criticise those who eat at McDonalds or enjoy going to the cinema. I do, however, want to point out that we are to be master of our own desires and our own bodies rather than have them master us. Too many people don't realise this and the Evil One has them wrapped around his little finger.)

Now let me ask you: are young Christians in Northern Ireland any different from the young Christians in the church at Sardis? In my experience (my opinion is irrelevant and a non-issue), I would say no. As I look around the young Christians in my own church and those with whom I have contact outside of my own church, I would sadly confess that they are as similar to the recipients of this letter as my wooden desk is to a dead tree. Yes, as in Sardis, there are wonderful exceptions - those who have not "soiled their clothes" (NIV) and who will walk with Jesus - but the majority are self-confident and self-indulgent, or, as we say in Northern Ireland, they are skating on thin ice. No wonder church attendance is getting lower - the ice keeps giving way.

Is the church in Northern Ireland too interested in "Christianising" people in thought and action rather than transforming them, with the help of the Holy Spirit, from the inside out and having people "born again" in the faith? Jim Graham's words are incredibly poignant: having ones name on a church membership roll is eternally different from having ones name in the Book of Life.

Laying A Good Foundation

Why is all this happening? Why are we, as young Northern Irish Christians, all too ready to adopt the title of Christian but fail to live out the duties that come with that title? It is one thing to be called a Christian but it is a very different thing to be a Christian. What does it mean to be a Christian in our various circumstances?

The first two questions, I believe, have the same answer. With regard to a Christian who merely adopts the title, if their faith can be thought of reverently as a building site then the foundation stones of that faith have not been firmly laid before further building commences (c.f. the parable of the sower in Matthew 13:1-23). Looking again at the letter to the church at Sardis we can learn what these foundation stones are. Verse 3a in the NIV says, "Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent." There are four explicit actions mentioned here and two implicit: remember, hear, obey, repent, attend and think about, respectively. Jesus was imploring the church to listen to and remember what was being said at the meetings of the church, which they were obviously to attend (c.f. Hebrews 10:25). The church members were subsequently to obey it and repent of their old ways. In order to obey what they were hearing and understand which of their current ways were unacceptable they would need to think about what they were hearing - that is, meditate on what the message means for their life and how to apply it.

It is from verse 3a where the aforementioned foundation stones can be derived: church attendance, prayer and meditation, and obedience. I will also add Bible study to this list because, unlike the church at Sardis, Bibles are readily available and literacy is very high in Northern Ireland. But these foundation stones aren't being laid by the young Christian. The reason probably stems from the sloth I've already mentioned: it's too much like hard work.

Taking an abstract and high level view of the Christian's life we can conclude that it involves work. Work requires discipline so that we don't get distracted (and the Evil One is working hard to distract us from the work of God and the following of His will). Discipline is a bit of a taboo in our culture and spiritual discipline is a taboo in some church circles, but that should not be the case. After all, the word disciple is from the same root as discipline. The living out of the Christian life involves an act of the will - we must want to do it and we must be disciplined to do it. We must attend church to hear how we are to live and further study our own Bibles (individually and as a group) to aid our memory and understanding. We must then meditate and pray on what we hear and read to work out what we can learn from it and think through how it will affect our lives.

Too often, too many stop at this point: they attend church, read their Bible and have the head knowledge, they even think about what they learn, but they fail to take the next step - obedience to what we are learning, in other words, application. James 1:19-27 is useful here, in particular verse 22: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Through applying what we learn to our own lives, we will leave our old ways (or, as Paul puts it, our "old self" [2]) behind and adopt new ways. This is repentance: an about-face from that which God abhors. Repentance is not confession, as is so often assumed.

The answer to the third question posed above is somewhat related to what has already been said. To be a Christian in our various circumstances is to act as Jesus would act in our various circumstances. It is what results from the application of what we read and learn from the Bible - plain and simple.

In conclusion, we can see that being called a Christian is different from actually being a Christian. Adopting the name "Christian" is an easy task; being a Christian is hard work and requires discipline, the laying of a good spiritual foundation and an act of the will.

[1] - Ephesians 2:8-9, NIV
[2] - Ephesians 4:22, NIV

Expansion to my Blog

2005-06-11T17:55:00.000+01:00

Ya, I am going to start a new site for detailed thoughts, which are just too long for this blog page. Head to http://www.sbingram.f2s.com/essays/ for more. Only got one essay there at the moment but I'll put more of mine up soon.

Paris with Jenna tomorrow! Woohoo!

What a week!

2005-06-03T19:14:00.000+01:00

First post in ages!

This week was my first week with LIT and it was great! I am back on the Business Market team, which still has a lot of familiar faces from my placement year two years ago. My desk location is great: no one can see my screen! Of course, not that it matters because I've actually been working really hard. In at 8am; home at 6pm. Trying to create a good impression.

Unfortunately, I haven't yet worked out a routine for my work week and it means that I don't have any time to myself. Currently, I'm up at 6:45am to get ready, leaving the house at 7:20am to be at my desk for 8am. After a full day working, I'm home between 6pm and 6:30pm. Changed and eaten dinner by about 7:15pm. That doesn't leave me a lot of time in the evening because I have to get to bed for 10:30pm in order to get up the next morning. 3 hours and 15 minutes is my "own" time in the evening but it's not enough. I want to spend time with Jenna, I want to read my books, I want to play sport and watch TV and surf the Net... but I can't. Plus I've got to fit a Quiet Time into my day somewhere.

It's Deeper tomorrow evening from 7pm - 11pm (BST). Although the time isn't likely to be quiet I intend to use it to seek God. I am really looking forward to it! I'm not sure if many others will turn up and we haven't met as a team to pray about tomorrow (due to exams, etc.)... so in that sense I'm a little worried. But I believe God will do what God wants to do... and who am I to argue with Him? hehe...

Right, time to relax...

Storm Amidst Calm

2005-05-29T12:46:00.000+01:00

My exams are finished! Woohoo! It is such a good feeling to know that I have completed my university career. I don't have a lot of time to relax, though - as I relish in the completion of one career, at 10am tomorrow I embark on the beginning of a new one. I am starting with Liberty IT (heretofore, "LIT") in Belfast city centre as a software developer. I'm really looking forward to it. Two years ago I took a year out from study to do a year of professional experience with LIT and I enjoyed it immensely. Saying that, though, I met a friend on Friday who is working for LIT and she said that for the first six months of her employment her entire team was working ~60 hour weeks. Hmmm...

I used my book tokens to buy two more books on the history of the Christian church. I love reading about this sort of stuff - it is incredibly humbling, challenging, emboldening and encouraging. Something I notice about the Saints of Old is how almost all of them chased silence - not necessarily the monastic life, but definitely silence. From the Bible I know that God's voice is still and small, and that He speaks amidst the storm. The trick is silencing the storm to hear the voice.

It's not too hard for me to find quietness in my house. For example, when mum and dad are at work and my sisters are at school and university. But that's not where my storm is. These past few weeks have been stressful, straining and packed for me due to everything that was happening with QUB. For me, the noisest place in the world is my own mind.

Every time I sit still and try to wait... my mind refuses to obey. It is my most undisciplined faculty. I hope I can discipline it because I want to hear God.

Gone but not for long

2005-05-20T19:05:00.000+01:00

I haven't forgotten or given up on this blog. The reason I haven't been posting is that my finals begin tomorrow afternoon at 2:30pm and I've been revising like a crazy man. I only have to sit two exams but I want to average over 65% in each to be assured of a good degree classification. The final exam, "Algorithms: Analysis and Applications," is on Thursday 26th May at 2:30pm... so on that same day at 5:30pm I will be a happy man. No more exams. No more lectures. No more uni. No more being skint!

But until them... my entries here are on hiatus.

Tired but pressing on...

2005-05-12T20:27:00.000+01:00

Urgh...

Okay, perhaps that wasn't the most inviting way to start an entry but I couldn't think of anything else - I am just so tired. I have been working tirelessly on my group's business plans and they are all now submitted - my last piece of coursework, ever! Not so long ago I was working hard on my dissertation.

More recently I have been reading. I have four books plus the module notes to read through for my "Innovation and Entrepreneurship" exam. I have finished one book and worked through a couple of summary presentations already... still three more to do. I'm stopping now until the Thursday before my exam because I need to focus on my Algorithms: Analysis and Applications exam (heretofore, CSC403). I checked out some past papers and they have actually turned my hair grey. (N.B. That was just a figure of speech - my hair is still the lovely shade of brown it's always been... and always going to be!)

Due to all this flippin' revision and reading and past papers and assignments and dissertation and coursework I am officially exhausted! This entry is a digression from the usual smart-aleck and touching on existential entries that precede and no doubt will follow, which is a symptom of my exhaustion. I can barely think anything through properly. I have to read and re-read sentences to work out what an author is trying to say!

Because of this exhaustion I decided to take it a little easier today. I didn't do as much as I normally would but I still did some. Hopefully a good night's sleep and a run about at footy tomorrow afternoon will get me back to my old self.

I went to the PCI/OMF prayer meeting at 1st Antrim on Tuesday past. It was my first time at the meeting and I really enjoyed it. I have to admit that my motive for going was 50% selfish, though. I'm reading D. A. Carson's exposition of Philippians in his book "Basics For Believers" and have been greatly challenged by what I am learning. These challenges are what led me to the prayer meeting.

Spiritual mentors have, in the past, seemed like a fad to me. Something brought in by program-centric and "production-line-centric" evangelists who are only interested in converting rather than discipling. Imagine my surprise when I read (as I've read before but never taken in) that Paul urges the Philippians to "imitate" him and others like him. In order to imitate one must first observe. Furthermore, one must only observe and imitate worthy Christian leaders: those who have stood the tests of time, hardship and attack; those whose faith is still growing and hasn't stagnated; those whose boast is in Christ and not on past accomplishments; those who hold not to power, fame or glory but who cling to the cross and to the instructions left to us. It is people like this who would take ninety minutes out of their Tuesday evening to pray for people throughout the world, most of whom they will never have met. It is these people who I want to observe and so imitate.

Another reason for my presence at the prayer meeting was that I want to learn how to prayerfully intercede. My thoughts have recently been dwelling on my ineptitude to pray, as I have mentioned in recent entries. As you have observed my thoughts progress over these last days, you have noticed that I have also been thinking about the virtues of the Knights of old and, in particular, how I can be a Knight - a metaphor I understand - of Christ. Prayerfulness was one of those virtues - and is something that I must work on. An ineptitude is merely an unskillfulness in something resulting from a lack of training. And so it is training I need. This latter reason is somewhat related to the former but has subtleties I thought worthy of note.

Even though half my motive for being at the prayer meeting was selfish - that is, to observe mature Christians and to learn how to prayerfully intercede - the other half of my motive was pure: I wanted, after observation, to practice prayerful interceding... and I did. Furthermore, it is something I hope that I will continue to do diligently and passionately and not just during a church meeting or during the ninety minute prayer meeting on a Tuesday evening.

I pray that I will persevere.

Pure Fear 2

2005-05-10T04:23:00.000+01:00

I never remember my dreams. It's like some innate disability. Well, that is true except in three distinct instances, one of which you can read about here. The first dream that I can remember still freaks me out such that I have only been able to tell one other person about it. The third instance has just began - that is, I have just awoke from the dream.

Like the previous two, I am pretty shocked-up about it. Similar to the first one, I am very definitely freaked out by it. The substance of the dream I can only describe as pure evil.

The earliest point of the dream is driving out of Tesco and heading to Ormo's house with some food - it was nighttime and dark. I arrived at the house, which didn't actually look anything like Ormo's house, only to remember that Ormo was no longer there - he'd already headed in. Regardless, Ormo's mum had noticed me in the driveway and invited me in. She sat me down in the front room and started asking me about my diet of all things. Then, all of a sudden, in came my cousin holding a bread knife. (This is the cousin that lives in England, on my dad's side.) He had a great smile on his face. With knife in hand, he headed over to the nearest table, picked up a small roll of bread, and proceeded back into the kitchen. I heard laughter and concluded that he was cooking for people. Then two random Oriental girls walked and sat down to talk to one another on the couch opposite us.

Then things got strangely dark and I awoke to the street being flooded and dead bodies lying everywhere with arrows through them. Sharks were swimming around. I focussed in on one boat of four people. They were saying to one another that they had to shoot themselves with an arrow and play dead to avoid capture, which they proceeded to do.

My dream then jumped to the same group climbing in to the kitchen of a house I didn't recognise - but this time there was five of them. They argued about which one was the imposter. I couldn't tell even though I was watching what was happening from afar. The group's argument culminated in one of them holding another by the scruff of the neck and shouting while holding a knife to their throat.

The dream jumped once again. In the same house but without the water and the sharks. I was now "part of" the dream. The group included Jenna, Steffi, Carrie, myself and the two from the previous group who had been arguing.

We were just about to leave the house when, over my left shoulder, I noticed a man sitting in a far away room smoking a pipe. His skin was discoloured but I couldn't make out his face.

The dream then jumped to us, as a group, in the same room as the smoking man. We'd lost the two faceless members of the group - now it was just Jenna, Steffi, Carrie and me... but I had the distinct feeling there was someone else.

The man just stared at us as he smoked. He looked dead. There was blood on the walls. On the right-hand side of the room was a large parchment in a glass case. I could only make out the words "do not" at the very top of it... I moved closer to read the rest...

The dream jumped to a meeting in a restaurant with our new student minister, two faceless girls, who I think were from Derryvolgie, and another guy, I think it was Piece. Alastair apologised for being late and proceeded to ask us questions - it seemed like an accountability group. He then turned and asked Piece and me a question. He put his arms around our shoulders and pulled so that our foreheads were touching. We each answered along the lines that the problems we'd been having were no longer an issue. Alastair smiled.

The dream switched back to the room with the parchment. The smoking man was wiping down the glass cabinet with a cloth not wanting me to read what the parchment said. It was then I noticed the symbols written in blood both above and below the parchment. I didn't know what they meant. I looked at the smoking man and he looked at me. I then looked over my shoulder - Jenna was missing. I looked back to find the smoking man but he had gone. Steffi was lying on the sofa in that room in a sleeping bag and was quite groggy - like she had just woken up. Carrie was in the other room unaware of anything; she was just looking around.

I ran out into the hallway shouting with all my strength for Jenna but to no avail. I rushed to Steffi and told her to get up and protect Carrie. I then ran to Carrie and brought her through the hallway to the door to the street - it was still dark and I was still shouting. I opened the door and shouted. I knew it would be dangerous to leave the girls by themselves and I knew it would be even more dangerous for me to venture out into the street... but I looked round at Carrie, told her not to open the door again and to run to Steffi, and I made my way out to look for Jenna.

At this point I awoke... in a cold sweat, with my heart pounding and with tears in my eyes. I debated blogging this dream because of how I was feeling about it. Even as I typed it out in Blogger, I was getting shivers and my eyes were welling up for no reason. I've only had a few hours sleep but I'm no longer sleepy.

I don't know if I want to know what this dream means...

A Knight of Christ

2005-05-09T14:29:00.000+01:00

I was at New Vision last night and Roy Walker of Crown Jesus Ministries was preaching. Roy used to manage Crusaders Football Club. I am very much looking forward (Deo volente) to seeing the new film "Kingdom of Heaven."

Now that I've explained my thought pattern over the last twenty-four hours, I can continue...

What does it mean for me, a Christian, to crusade in the 21st Century? Some may wonder why I even pose such a question because of the thoughts it provokes. "The Crusades were a dark period of Christian history." "To crusade is to be actively violent and absolutely dogmatic." "Mark, in the 21st Century we are to be tolerant of others and their religion." But I'm not talking about waging a holy war sanctioned by the papacy or the jihad that is currently being waged by some Moslems; I'm talking about "a vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against an abuse," as Dictionary.com offers as a definition of crusade. Is this not how Christian mission in general, and Jesus' Great Commission in particular, can be viewed?

Heresy? I don't know... I mean, I don't think so. I'm no theologian or preacher - far from it - but should I not be as passionate about the spread of the gospel as the Crusaders were about reclaiming the Holy Land, and Jerusalem in particular, from the quickly advancing Moslems? Or, at least as passionate as I am about winning the regular Monday night football game?

I have always admired the Knights of old that I have read about. Perhaps it is a fantastical and surreal notion I have of them, but I still long to have met one. These nobel men of integrity and faith. Who stood up for the rights of the poor and venerated the clergy. Men whose very presence commanded respect and quiet awe. Men who fought for Christendom. hehe... I sound like I am seven years old.

What would a Knight of Christ look like today? What would be his defining attributes? Faith, integrity, humility, respectfulness, strength, selflessness, determination, prayerfulness, perseverence, holiness, knowledgeable, wise, stoic to a degree but filled with love. Is it fantastical and surreal to want to be like that? I've always wanted to be a Knight. Do I still sound like I am seven years old?

In a separate line of thought I have been thinking more about the Mormons that came to visit Ormo and also about the Mormon church located in Antrim. To be incredibly blunt, when I think about how Mormonism perverts and twists what the Bible says I am filled with rage. Yes, I do mean rage. It is the same feeling I get when I think about Islam, Satanism and devil worship - I feel utter rage. Is that right? I don't know. Is it wrong? I don't know that either.

I don't hate the people - no, far from it; rather, I hate what they have their faith in. I hate the fact that they have been blinded and that they have been lied to, and that they can't see it. Is it wrong to hate Satan?

Is it dangerous to hate Satan?

Is it wrong to want to, as a Knight, raise my sword and bring it down upon him? Jesus said that vengence is his and that he is the only One who is able to pronounce judgment. That is true - God alone is just. Without Christ, I am not justified. But with Christ I am justified. With Christ I know what is Right and I know what is Wrong. Even so, within the scope of God's word, do I have any authority or any right to point the finger?

Hmm... my thoughts seem disjointed, stilted and messed up. I think this is something that warrants further thought.