Voiced Thoughts

Community. The need to belong. Fellowship and friendship and accountability and a listening ear. Is that not what every person craves? Well, if not every person, I certainly crave it.

When I was younger, I used to hear people say that my school days would be the best time of my life and that I should cherish them and not take them for granted. Flip me, I thought, are you serious?! How am I to cherish the fact that I have a mountain of coursework, homework, reading and boring classes? In my parochial nature, I didn't see what they were on about.

Now I'm all grown up. I've finished Grammar school and my sentence at university. I am now in the world. Working. And, whilst I always thought that this would be the best time in my life, I do kinda miss the good ole days running around the playground with my mates. Rather than thinking about the development plan for quarter 1 of 2007, I was thinking about getting my homework done to get outside and just kick a football until hours after the sun went down. Then head indoors for a movie that we looked up to from our cross-legged position on the floor rather than down upon from our respective pious and intellectual pedestals.

How I miss those days.

That's the problem with working, it eats up at least eight hours of your day - more like ten for me. Yes, I make friends in work and we get on... but it's not the same as the friends with whom I can kick a football, throw a rugby ball, watch a DVD, have a BBQ with. With those friends we can escape into whatever we're doing and not focus on trying to think of something funny or smart to say. With those friends there is no pretense, no hidden me. With those friends I am myself. With those friends I am.

How I miss spending time with them.

I have taken the unprecedented step of starting my own spiritual journal. I am surprise at how well it has been going... in fact, I am surprised that it is actually still going. Many people have told me, through spoken or written words, that a spiritual journal is a tremendous help. I never believed them. I am a cynic by nature, and cynics tend not to believe things. Cynics need to test, prove and verify and even then they may not be convinced. I am currently testing this idea of a spiritual journal and so far I am pleasantly surprised but, true to nature, I am still not convinced. I will persevere with it, though. Despite being a cynic, I still know good and wise counsel when I hear it.

Why not just document my spiritual musings, thoughts and struggles here? Well, because you can read them. More than that, I know you can read them, which makes me more cagey than I ought if I want to reap the benefits of a spiritual journal. So, while I will continue to write here and inaudibly voice my indignant and hostile opinions, I will quietly document my spiritual battles in a secret place that is between me and my God.

In a different thread of thought...

For those of you that read, I recommend Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I haven't finished it yet but it is a very thought-provoking and poignant book.

It happened while I was in work. Darren, who sits behind me, said: "Have you seen the news about London?" Immediately we all fired up a new instance of Internet Explorer and navigated to our favourite news reporting website. I couldn't believe what I was reading: six explosions had occurred in London, on the Underground and on two double decker buses.

That was ten hours ago as of writing and the news is now saying that there are more than thirty people dead and that Moslem fundamentalists are claiming responsibility.

I am ashamed to say that my first thought was one of retaliation. "Kill all the flipping Moslems." Although, I would probably have exchanged one of the words in that sentence.

I can't believe that my first reaction was so far removed - in fact, the antithesis, the polar opposite - of what it should have been. Furthermore, it goes against a principle that I am asking a non-Christian to adhere to in a quite separate debate I'm having. I'm a hypocrite!

Let me make it plain that I do not think any Moslems should be killed in retaliation for this terrible attack. I believe life is given by God and life is taken away by God; I, nor any other human, has the right to remove life. Let me also make it plain that I know that not every Moslem is to blame and that these acts of terrorism have shocked many Moslems. I know that it is fundamentalists and radicals, and not the majority, who are to blame.

I have been a Christian now for a few years. I have read the Bible, prayed, worshiped God, read many books. I believe that I have matured over that time...

... but am I deluding myself?

I mean, all that study, prayer, worship, etc. doesn't seem to have really affected me. Yes, I try to obey the commandments in the Bible but anyone can do that and still not be saved. If I have Christ, I should also have the Holy Spirit dwelling within me [Ephesians 1:13-14]. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, surely I should be showing some changes - i.e. the fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [Galations 5:22-23]. But the reaction I had [see above] would not fall in to any of those categories.

Argh, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. None of us are yet perfect; we are striving for perfection. It won't be until I am in the presence of God when I shall be rid of my sinful nature (my "old self") fully.

I think I need to pray. I know I need to pray. I'm going to go now and pray.

Psalm 32

Of David. A Maskil

Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.

Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah

Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

This was what I was reading this morning after I got ready for work but before I left for work. What an insightful passage, especially verse three. Have you ever felt drained or dry, exhausted for no reason, tired without excuse? Could be that there is unconfessed sin or a bad habit that requires your repentance.

I have been there before. I have felt God's hand heavy upon me. I have been tired, irritable, unable to think straight but all without any obvious reason. Then I realised the root of the problem and resolved to pull it out of the soil of my heart. I resolved to confess my sins to God. Even though I know that He knows all (His omniscience), He still desires that I come humbly before Him and tell Him. I am to be the man and face the consequences of my own actions, so to speak.

And do you know what happened? God forgave me. He lifted His heavy hand from my back and I could stand tall once again.

Something interesting here is that in verse five David wrote that God forgave the "guilt" of his sin. Now, I'm no theologian or Hebrew scholar but I think David meant that God lifted the guilt of David's sin - that is, God removed His heavy hand from upon David's back.

If you're a Christian and you have experienced the same thing, is that not proof enough of God? Furthermore, is that not proof enough of a faithful, loving and forgiving God?!

Some of you may know that I struggle with prayer; it's always been a difficult discipline for me to adhere to. One point of difficulty comes because we, as Christians, are told to pray with thanksgiving. I find that hard because everytime I draw close to God I feel like Isaiah in the temple... I focus in closely and exaggerate the sin in my life. I don't pray with thanksgiving because I'm stuck in confession mode.

Psalm 32 shows that I have no reason to be. I have tested this Psalm and in my experience I have proved it to myself. Confessed sin does indeed lead to lifted guilt.

How could I be so blind: is that not a source of thanksgiving?